Plasticopia

2012-01-18T00:40:00.012-09:00

CHAPTER 106: A SURPRISE FOR THE LADIES

EPISODE 22: A TOTALLY NEW YEAR

Sometime thereafter a very large and very mysterious package is delivered.

2012-01-16T04:51:00.017-09:00

CHAPTER 105: A SURPRISE FOR SHARON

EPISODE 22: A TOTALLY NEW YEAR

2012-01-15T03:36:00.008-09:00

Chapter 104: THE BACHELORETTE PARTY

EPISODE 22: A TOTALLY NEW YEAR

Gramma McBitty, upon learning about Sharon's unfortunate marriage, has offered to do the right thing. Mitzi arrives at Gramma's house with her sister, Mabel.

Most of the guests have arrived before Sharon shows up at the door.

2012-01-04T23:47:00.010-09:00

CHAPTER 103: SHARON'S PREDICAMENT

EPISODE 22: A TOTALLY NEW YEAR

News of Sharon's recent matrimonial event is certainly shocking.

2012-01-03T02:35:00.012-09:00

CHAPTER 102: THE MORNING AFTER

EPISODE 22: A TOTALLY NEW YEAR

Mitzi arrives at the Daily Grind for her first shift after the holidays.

Shortly thereafter:

2012-01-02T06:07:00.014-09:00

EPISODE 22: A TOTALLY NEW YEAR

CHAPTER 101: NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

2012-01-01T00:35:00.018-09:00

CHAPTER 100: A CAPABLE WOMAN

EPISODE 21: HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME

2011-12-31T15:42:00.007-09:00

CHAPTER 99: THE CHRISTMAS BONUS

EPISODE 21: HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME

It's the end of another long day at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop. Mitzi and Sharon are finishing up their work and preparing to leave for the night.

2011-12-26T19:19:00.007-09:00

CHAPTER 98: FAITH OR LOGIC?

EPISODE 21: HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME.

2011-12-20T00:35:00.017-09:00

CHAPTER 97: THE OPTIMIST

Episode 21: Have a Wonderful Christmas Time

2011-12-19T11:59:00.003-09:00

EPISODE 21: HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME Chapter 96: HIND-SIGHT

2011-06-06T01:00:00.018-08:00

CHAPTER 95: Career Day

It's Career Day at Alfred E. Newman Middle School, and time for oral presentations in Ms. Harper's 9th Grade class.

2010-10-23T15:02:00.021-08:00

EPISODE TWENTY: WHAT DO WE KNOW?

Chapter 87: EXPOSING THE HOGWASH

Hurry Limbo is a very popular conservative radio commentator in the World of Plasticopia. His show is widely followed by Real Mericans from coast to coast, many of whom call in to comment on such hot topics as the Great Global Warming Fraud.

2010-10-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 88: IDENTITY SAFE

Episode 20: What do we know?

Somewhere in Plasticopia in a very big white house...

2010-10-22T17:30:00.001-08:00

CHAPTER 89: MEET THE POTUS CLUB

Episode 20

Deep in the hinterlands of Northern Plasticopia, there is a charming little bar known as the Barrett Lounge.

The Barrett is known for its lovely classical art.

And its sophisticated patrons.

Of course there is a gorgeous bartender, and it would be just wrong if there wasn't also a boring middle-aged married wolf trying to pick her up.

We are all thinking that she should have been paying attention to those news reports, years ago, about a stained blue dress instead of playing with her paper dolls.

Members of the POTUS Club meet at the Barrett frequently for companionship and light-hearted banter. The POTUS Club is a non-discriminatory association open to all individuals, living and dead, with the only admission criteria being that they have been elected by the rough majority of the population of the most powerful country in the world.

Abe is a particularly popular and respected member.

Everyone is retired but Barry, who still likes to show up when he can to exchange war stories with the boys.

Georgy is a bit of a whiner, but on the good side, after he's had a few he tends to pay for rounds.

Abe has the distance to be reflective and rarely is drawn into the squabbles of the other members.

2010-10-21T21:35:00.001-08:00

CHAPTER 90: AN UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTER.

Too late...

2010-05-07T23:17:00.013-08:00

EPISODE NINETEEN: NEW BEGINNINGS
CHAPTER 85: THE FINAL DEAL
It is 9:30 p.m. at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop. The last customer has left and the doors are locked.

An hour or so later...

2010-05-07T20:54:00.001-08:00

CHAPTER 86: NEW MANAGEMENT

EPISODE NINETEEN: NEW BEGINNINGS

Things have not changed a great deal at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop, despite the change in ownership.

The regulars still come in for coffee and companionship.

There are a few minor changes in the routine under the new management.

Will this do, Your Lordship?

Fine, thank you. Would you cut off a slice for me?

2010-03-17T09:45:00.002-08:00

CHAPTER 75: CHILDREN OF THE EMERALD ISLE

Episode Eighteen: When Irush Eyes Are Smiling

The Leprechaun Club has taken over the Daily Grind Coffee Shop for their St. Patrick's Day Party. The members have brought hats and shamrocks and that grand thirst for which the Irush are famous.

Mitzi and Sharon are kept busy pouring green beer and champagne. Poor Mitzi's mind is elsewhere, however. She is very confused. Suddenly she's not so sure she really knows who she is. If anyone had asked her "Animal, Vegetable or Mineral?" she might have been hard put to answer.

Sharon gives her odd looks. "Did you just snap at that man? Snapping at people is my job. You're the quiet one that smiles equably at all she meets."

"I'm tired of being equable. I want to ... to..."

"Get laid?"

"Does everyone think that? Is that all it takes to cure every malaise?"

Periodically Mitzi wanders around the room to collect empty glasses and refill chips and pretzels. She cannot help but overhear bits and pieces of scintillating conversations to distract her from her concerns. "

"Gad, listen to those women behind me. If I hear the word 'hot flash' one more time, I'm going to puke. "

"I think I'm getting a bit of a hot flash myself. Isn't green an aphrodisiac?"

"So then we did it and it was like the very first time...which is really something, given that he was the 347th notch on my bedpost."

"So are you going to see him again?"

"Not on your life. Then it would be like the second time, and my expectations are higher than that. No, the high mark has been set, and that's what I have to beat, if it takes me another 347 notches."

"Umm num...must watch weight, must watch weight...on the other hand, these look like they'd taste as good when they come back up as when they go down."

"I absolutely did not tell her she had upstanding boobies...did I?"

"I think the term you used was 'outstanding'."

"Thank you, young man. Say, you look familiar...aren't you the boy who grew up down the street, in the yellow house on the corner?"

"Um...no, that absolutely wasn't me. I would never have eaten my own snot or played with Barbie dolls."

"We can try other positions. Let's not call it quits over that. I've got a book with directions and illustrations for dozens of others. I've been studying."

"Well...maybe...could you wear the leprechaun hat?"

"Hi, Mitzi. This is such a great party. I was just telling Jeff here how I found someone else and I'm moving out tomorrow...and now he's mad because I told him it was all a joke."

"Ha! You guys are such kidders."

Oh, so much everyday drama. So many hang-ups and mix-ups and screw-ups. Mitzi's little life seems very bland in comparison.

2010-03-17T04:59:00.001-08:00

CHAPTER 76: A MAN IN HER LIFE

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: When Irush Eyes Are Smiling

"Everyone's always talking about my love life, or the lack thereof. What about you, Sharon? Don't you want a man?"

"I don't really have a choice. Look at me. A man would have to be crazy to be interested in me."

"And I sure don't need a man who's crazy."

"Your logic is impeccable."

"It's her premises that are faulty."

"Yeow. Where'd you come from?"

"Straight from the Loony Bin, my dear, where you left me...how many years ago?"

He sidles closer. "You might want to know that I have a clean bill of health now. I'm cured. Perfectly sane."

"For some reason I'm getting a bad feeling about this."

2010-03-17T04:22:00.001-08:00

CHAPTER 77: OLD ACQUAINTANCES
EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

NOTE FOR PLASTICOPIA READERS: We're doing a little experimenting with the comic style of lay out. Feedback is welcome. Also, this guy kind of surprised us when he showed up on the set, interrupting the story. We're not sure what's going on between him and Sharon, but hopefully the mystery will be solved soon without blood being shed. Until then...may there be four-leaf clovers wherever your gaze may fall and a pot of gold at the end of all your rainbows.

2010-03-17T04:20:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 78:

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

Things are heating up behind the counter at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop.

2010-03-17T03:30:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 79: A CAUTIONARY TALE

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

Mitzi, indecisive about whether to intervene or pretend she doesn't notice the altercation behind the coffee counter, suddenly spots a third--and preferable--alternative. The alternative is sitting by himself near the window with bottle of green beer in hand.

Yes, Finnegan has a right to be cautious. The police detective has been embarrassed a time or two by Mitzi and her--shall we say--fertile imagination. But Mitzi is undeterred, the way plastic people sometimes are when a dear or near one's life is at stake.

2010-03-17T03:20:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 80: TO THE RESCUE

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

Finnegan steps into the fray to prevent anyone from getting hurt.

Sharon's hand is still holding the bottle, and in the scuffle it happens to fall on Finnegan's head.

2010-03-17T03:01:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 81: DOUBLE OR NOTHING

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

2010-03-17T02:59:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 82: BEANIE BABIES IN THE POT

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

2010-03-17T01:01:00.001-08:00

CHAPTER 83: A GRAMMATICAL DILEMMA

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

But before he even turns to the door, it bursts open.

CREDITS: Credit for this episode goes to my seven-year-old granddaughter, Jasmine, who was sitting by my side as I prepared what would have been a different story. But in the third frame, as I typed "Would the murderer please raise his hand", she expressed her fledgling sense of gender equality: "it should be his or her hand, Gramma". And so this episode became what it is.

Thanks, Jasmine.

2010-03-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 84: LOOSENING UP

EPISODE EIGHTEEN: WHEN IRUSH EYES ARE SMILING

Some of our dear readers may remember a day, not so very long ago, when Finnegan found himself treated rather roughly at the Ratchet home on the occasion of Barbie's 50th Birthday. And yes, in his frustration and humiliation, Finnegan had not been particularly kind to the bumbling policeman.

One might suppose that Officer Mike had hardly noticed the slight, so quickly did it come and pass; but plastic people, although they have hard shells, are easily wounded by passing insults, which slide through the thickest skin like a hot needle through butter. Furthermore, plastic people are known for their capacity to carry grudges for the longest time.

So ensues a seemingly endless moment at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop, when nobody dares move or even breath. The scene might as well have been a painting by some great artist--what were once living people now frozen in time, waiting for the tragic ending, just a bullet away.

2010-03-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

EPISODE 17:
Oh Mitzi Mitzi

CHAPTER 73: THE CODE TALKERS

Mitzi has recently reconnected with an old friend, Lisa, from her college days. Lisa is an interior decorator, never married, and convinced that life has better things to offer Mitzi. "So what's going on with your love life? How long since you've had s-e-x?"

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it's nobody's business."

"Do you have any esseyex, Aunt Lisa? Aunt Mabel says my mom needs some."

"Well there you have it. Sounds like we better find her some."

"I'll just find my own, thank you."

"Well, you better get hopping. What about that guy--the detective?"

"He's got a w-i-f-e. "

"I heard she ...l-e-f-t...three years ago."

"True. But you never know when ... people ...might...resurface. I don't need another h-e-a-r-t break."

"You're not still pining over J-a-c-k?"

"Oh, you mean Mr. A-s-s?"

"You are so not o-v-e-r him."

"If we're going to talk about this I need to put you-know-who to b-e-d."

"Can I have some ice cream before you put me to beady?"

"Eat your vegetables and we'll see about that."

"Okey dokey, Emo-em."

"I think the natives are picking up the language."

"Seems that way. How's your pig latin?"

2010-03-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 74: Mitzi Has a Realization

Episode 17: Oh Mitzi Mitzi

It is March 17. Mitzi has put Randi to bed and is getting ready for the Leprechaun Club's after-hours party at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop.

Lisa is staying over to babysit, but she has her terms: "I am only agreeing to do this on condition that you do something totally selfish and a bit reckless tonight. I suggest a little nookie."

"I'm going to work!"

"So what about afterwards? I'll be here all night. Call up that detective guy."

"I don't think so."

"So what's wrong with Columbo, pray tell."

"Well, he's nice, loyal and conscientious..."

"Oh, okay, I see the problem."

"You do?"

"Sure. You're not good enough for him."

"I'm not...?"

"Wait, on second thought, erase that statement. I should have said, he's not bad enough for you."

"Gosh, maybe you're right. I mean, the thought of always being treated well by a man seems so...boring."

"Perfection is a bitch. Some people just need a little mistreatment sometimes."

"Yes, I think I deserve that. And Jack was very good at it. I might even be kind of spoiled."

"Wow, it's all starting to fall into place now. Lisa, you are so insightful! You ought to be a psychiatrist. You're just totally...amazing."

"Sometimes, but I have to put my pants on one leg at a time, like everyone else."

"It's nice to know you're still one of us."

2010-02-20T15:49:00.000-09:00

EPISODE 16: ONE MAN'S STORY

CHAPTER 71: MAN OF THE HOUSE

At the Ratchet home we find ourselves once again eavesdropping on those best friends, Mikey Small and Alice Ratchet:

Mikey (she of the red hair): "Boy, are we ever lucky we got picked to take care of these guys."

"Yeah, I hope it takes a long time to fix their cages at school. It's neat how they figured out how to escape."

"So are we gonna use your bathtub until we can find some other place for them?"

"Yep. Come on. We can put some sand and grass and stuff in there. Cleaning up after them will be easy--we'll just rinse it all down the drain and put in new stuff."

"But--won't your parents mind?"

"My dad's the only one home right now and he won't even notice. He's been kind of out of it since he lost his job at the shop. Just lays around watching soap operas."

"Are you sure? Maybe he'll notice today."

"Well, let me check."

"Hey, Dad."

"Hey, Sweetheart."

"Anna took the car and caused a terrible accident, there are two cops at the door with four tickets and they want to know what you're going to do about it."

"Tell them we can't afford it this year, but we thank them for helping underprivileged children."

"And, by the way, Mom said she won't be home for the rest of the year. She took off for Hawaii with one of Henry's friends from the high school."

"Did she remember to take her check book?"

"Okay, we're good to go."

2010-02-20T09:00:00.001-09:00

CHAPTER 72: THE STRAW MAN

(Episode 16)

[For reference, the backstory on Bob Ratchet's job situation is contained in Chapter 22.]

Once upon a time, there was an unfortunate man who had lost his job two days before Christmas.

Now this man had a wife

and children and

a very big mortgage.

Soon all of his very small savings were gone and there was no money left to make the monthly house payment.

Every day the man read all the help wanted listings on Gregslist and the state employment internet site and in the newspaper. He applied for all the jobs for which he was qualified and

most of the ones for which he wasn't. But no one offered him a job.

Sometimes, when he was feeling very masochistic, he read the news.

You should have stuck to the funny papers, Bob.

Bob began to lose motivation. He spent his days watching soap operas and drinking beer and eating ding dongs. One day as he was lollygagging around....

"Da-ad! Someone's at the door for you!"

"Who is it?"

"It's a straw man!"

"What's he want?"

"He wants to see you!"

"Whatever. Tell him to come in."

"Mr. Ratchet?"

"That would be me. Who are you?"

"Mers is the name. M-E-R-S."

"Well, come in and sit down, Mr. Mers. You like The Months of Our Lives?"

"Ah, no, don't do soap operas, myself. Too much drama."

"What're you selling?"

"I'm not here to sell anything, Mr. Ratchet...Bob...can I call you Bob? I see you're not at work, Bob. Lose our job, did we?"

"Oh, I get it. You're from the Unemployment Office, checking up on me? Right? Right??"

"Not at all. I've actually come to discuss your mortgage loan with you."

"Oh-ho, you must be from the bank, then. I know I've been late on the last few payments, but you have to understand, I wasn't expecting to be laid off..."

"You've MISSED five payments, Bob. Tsk tsk."

"I'll get caught up soon. I've got 439 job applications out as of 5 p.m. yesterday."

"Interesting. And how many interviews have you had?"

"Well....none."

"Just what I thought. Hopeless case. I'm afraid we'll have to start foreclosure proceedings."

"You came here to tell me that?"

"Consider it a courtesy call, to give you time to pack properly."

"But where am I gonna go? I have a family...hey! you're not from my bank. I never saw you'd there. I'd remember if I did."

"Tsk, tsk, Bob. I never said I was from your bank."

"Then who ARE you?"

"I'm the straw man."

"I noticed that right off. But I mean, who do you work for."

"I have many masters, Bob."

"You're very evasive."

"Let us put it this way, Bob. Your bank never really had your mortgage. I did. I control your mortgage and I therefore I control you."

"How can that be? I didn't take out a mortgage with you. I've never seen you before in my life."

"Oh, poor Bob. Did you not know that your mortgage was being traded as freely and carelessly as Monopoly money?"

"No, nobody told me. I didn't know they could do that! I thought I had a personal relationship with my banker."

"I hate to be the one to break the news, Bob, but your banker doesn't love you. In fact, he could hardly wait to get rid of your mortgage. That's where I come in. I'm the one who makes it all happen--no fuss, no muss. A little entry in the old ledger, and you have a new owner."

"Have a heart."

"I don't have a heart."

"I thought that was the tin man. I thought you didn't have a brain."

"Who needs brains when I have small type? Did you read all the small type, Bob?"

"I tried, but after awhile all the hereinafters and theresofores and yada yada yadas started running together before my eyes and I had no idea whatsoever was hereinbefore my eyes."

"So you don't recall section 372½(a)¶ 17(y-2x)(subset a,b....x). The one that says upon default your interest rate reverts to 3.1%?"

"Well, that doesn't seem so bad."

"Per diem?"

"I'd start packing, Bob. I'll be watching."

"Yikes!"

"You're awful jumpy, Bob. Is something the matter?"

"Where's the straw man?"

"What straw man?"

Am I back in Kansass?"

"Back in Kansass? This is Laska. Have you been watching that Wizard of Oz rerun again?"

"Oh, that's what it was. I must have fallen asleep and been dreaming."

"Da-ad. Someone's at the door for you."

"Who is it?"

"She's inquiring about the foreclosure. She heard our house was on the block."

Bob: "Wow, that was fast. That straw man works quick."

"Darling, there's some mistake. It was just a dream, like you said."

"Nice stairs. I really like your home. It seems sturdy enough. Has it ever been up in a tornado?"

.................................

This chapter is dedicated to all the Bob Ratchets of the world.

CREDITS: Credits today go to the Kansas Supreme Court, for putting the smackdown on the straw man, leaving him swinging in the wind in some cornfield. And isn't that fitting?

http://foreclosurebuzz.org/2009/09/15/kansas-supreme-court-mers-is-a-straw-man-with-no-enforceable-rights/

2010-02-14T20:51:00.000-09:00

EPISODE 15: HEARTS AND STUFF

CHAPTER 65: VALENTINE TREATS

In the Ratchet Kitchen, Alice is preparing for Valentine's Day with her best friend, Mikey Small.

When along comes Henry.

Alice: "Ewww. Henry! That is so gross. Mom told you not to do that."

"Shut up, Pipsqueak. It's empty anyway. Hey, are those cookies?"

"Yummers."

"You leave those alone, Henry, or I'll tell Mom. They're for our friends."

"Okay, okay, don't have a cow. They look pretty good, though. Do you think I could have one to give this girl at school? I want to impress her and I don't have any money to buy her anything."

"Well, okay, but just one. We'll wrap it for you."

"Thanks, Pipsqueak."

"No problem."

Mikey: "Did you tell him they were made of playdough?"

"No. It'll be a surprise."

2010-02-14T10:13:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 66: A SECRET VALENTINE

(Episode 15)

Sharon: "You're late. Again."

"Sorry, we couldn't find Randi's shoes."

"Maybe she should have to buy her own shoes. Then she'd remember where she left them."

"She's four years old!"

"Never too late to learn the value of a dollar. By the way, somebody delivered these flowers and candy for you."

“From a secret admirer. I don't know anyone who would...oh wait! Don't tell me it's from Sammy. Oh no."

"That wouldn't be a surprise. He obviously has a crush on you. Here he comes. Be nice.”

“You’re telling me to be nice.”

“Just so I don't have to be. Somebody has to be a curmudgeon. It's the yin and the yang, the law of relativity. For every up there is a down, for every optimist there is a pessimist."

"Can I help it if I'm the chosen one?"

“Hi Sammy.”

“Oh, hey, Mitzi. How’s my favorite gal today?”

“Just admiring the wonderful flowers and Valentine candy someone left for me. Anonymously.”

“Wow. Looks delicious.”

“Would you like one?”

“Sure.”

Mitzi: “You know, it’s very thoughtful of someone to give these to me. I hope that person isn’t too upset if the feelings are not reciprocated.”

“That could be a real downer.”

“What?! He didn’t give you any pecan clusters?! What a jerk.”

“I feel fairly confident in concluding that it wasn't him."

2010-02-14T08:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 67: ALL GROWN UP NOW (ALMOST)

(Episode 15)

Kelsey (in blue): "Did you get any valentines?"

Ursula: "Nope."

"Me neither. Well, just one from my mom. 'Doris the Spelunker wiggles her way in to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day'."

"Oh, that sucks."

"I know, huh? So embarrassing.

"I'm like, really! Mom! I'm eighteen years old. Waaaay past the Doris the Spelunker stage. Of course, it's a sign of maturity if you can let your parents treat you like you're eight years old. I just don't know if I'm there yet."

"Did you get any cash in it?"

"Twenty bucks."

"That softens the pain."

"Yeah. I'm already past the suffering. In fact, I'm really looking forward to what the wee Easter bunny leaves in my basket along with the butterfly barettes and color crayons."

"Wow, you really are maturing."

2010-02-14T07:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 68: IN A PEOPLE HOUSE

(EPISODE 15)

"Happy Valentine's Day, Mabel."

"If you're speaking to me, you should know that on this planet Valentine's Day fell on a Sunday. It's Thursday."

"Oops. I guess you noticed."

"I did. And I wonder if you noticed that I haven't been getting up and making your coffee in the morning? Or that when you asked if you had any clean underwear, I directed you to the dirty laundry hamper? Did you happen to notice when you said it was a good day and I said 'for some people'."

"I noticed. I thought you were going through delayed post-partum depression."

"Delayed eight years?"

"Hey. In fairness to me, I know a woman who says it only hit when her kids turned thirteen."

"You never ever remember the important dates. Like birthdays and anniversaries. I'm wondering if you're even happy to be married to me. Maybe you should have married Miss Prissy Maybells when you had the chance."

"Missy Praybells. I never had a chance. I was ten when she entered the convent at the age of 23."

"Please don't ruin my moment with facts."

"You want me to sleep in the doghouse?"

"Yes, thank you. Right now I don't like anything about you."

"Okay."

"Wait...on second thought! I don't want to say something I'll regret."

"Oh?"

"There are somethings about you I do like. Could you leave the rose and the candy? As long as they're here?"

"Did I ever tell you how very glad I am that you're a house dog?"

2010-02-14T04:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 69: OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE AND INTO THE...

(Episode 15)

"I can't help it I forget dates that are important to Mabel. Valentine's Day. Anniversaries. Birthdays. The annual day-after-Thanksgiving sale. She thinks it's because I don't care, that I take her for granted, but that's not true."

"Men are just genetically programmed differently than women. We're designed for battle and adventure and the hunt. They're designed for raising children and finding the best sales on pink pumps. Together we make a good team, but there's bound to be a few internal coordination glitches. "

"If she were a soldier, I could have her punished for insubordination. Demoted. Make her scrub the toilets with a toothbrush. I'm a good officer. I should run this marriage like my unit. I just need to be stricter with her, that's all. Let her know who's boss."

"It was the no-fraternizing-with-officers clause that did it. In the military it's a rule. In marriage it's a threat."

2010-02-14T00:58:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 70: LOVER OR STALKER
(Episode 15)

Mitzi is on the phone with her sister.

"...beautiful flowers and candy from a secret admirer and I have no idea who he is. I imagine him as being tall and dark and handsome, strong but compassionate, direct but sweet, intelligent but with a good sense of humor. Someone who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. With a steady paycheck. The difficulty is...I don't think I know anybody like that."

"Maybe that's the problem. Maybe you're looking at it from the wrong direction. Maybe he's someone with his heart in the right place, but he's not perfect. Maybe he's got some personality deficits."

"You mean like Sammy? Although I'm not sure his heart is in the right place...I'm thinking it's either growing in the lining of his stomach or maybe behind his left ear."

"Or somewhere else. Anyway, try thinking in terms of somebody less admirable and you might figure out who it is. I mean, Prince Charmings do come with warts. Just like everyone else in the world."

"Good point."

The next day, at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop, Rita from the Tynee Blooms Flower Shop stops by for coffee. Mitzi is explaining about the secret admirer.

"...so then Sammy says 'what a jerk, he didn't give you any pecan clusters' and I started thinking about it, and I realized he was right. I mean, who buys the cheap candy without the clusters? Obviously someone who puts money before sentiment, who skimps on the important stuff. A miser with no respect for women. I'm sure he must be ugly, because why else wouldn't you want someone to know who you are?"

"Certainly a coward. Maybe it's a stalker."

"Oh, you are so right, as usual."

"You better be careful, Mitzi, the world is full of strange people."

Rita takes her leave, coffee in hand, and Mitzi turns to the next customer.

"Oh, hi, Finnegan. The usual?" Mitzi's heart flutters a bit at sight of the police detective.

"Uh. No, no. Upon reflection, I'm thinking I'll just turn and stalk out of here."

"That was strange. I wonder why he didn't want his usual mocha and bagel."

Sharon: "Are you naturally obtuse or is your brain just going through it's mid-winter freeze?"

2010-02-05T14:16:00.000-09:00

EPISODE 14: A BRIEF HISTORY OF PLASTICKIND

CHAPTER 61: A YOUNG STUDENT OF THEOLOGY

At Mitzi Little's home after a hard day of work:

"Mommy?"

"What is it, Randi?"

"Who made me?"

"Mattel made you, honey."

"And did Mattel make Margaret and Mikey and Aunt Mabel?"

"Yes, he did."

"Did Mattel make everybody?"

"That's what we are taught."

"But...if Mattel made everybody, then who made Mattel?"

"Nobody. Mattel has perpetual existence. Always has been and always will be."

"Like Santa Claus?"

"Well, Santa Claus is...uh...Mattel is...um...I'm sure I'm supposed to know the answer to this. Probably second grade catechism. Tell you what, can I get back to you on it?"

"Okay. Are you gonna look it up on the internet?"

"You know, you are way too smart for a four-year-old.

2010-02-05T09:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 62: A VERY GOOD LIKENESS

(Episode 14)

When Mitzi was younger, she had asked her own mother about the origins of plastic people. Her mother had given her much the same answer she had just given her own little daughter, Randi. But the young Mitzi had lots of questions.

"Why is plastickind special among all the Great Maker's creations?"

"Well, dear, he could have made dogs and cats with opposable thumbs and earlobes, but he didn't, did he? Only plastickind is made in his own image."

Of course Mitzi had seen pictures of the Great Maker, which only confused her.

"But how do we know what the Great Maker looks like? Has anyone seen him?"

"Only in coffee stains, cloud formations and toast.

"But it's been enough for talented artists to get a good likeness."

2010-02-05T04:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 63: THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION
( Episode 14)

When Mitzi attended high school and college, she learned a new theory of how Plastickind had come to be.

According to this theory plastic people had evolved from lower life forms.

Stone Age.

Rag Age.

Late Bisque Age.

She can still recall the professor's lecture: "Only in recent years has the possible missing link between non-plastic life forms and modern people been uncovered. Although no intact specimen has yet been uncovered, the many photographs uncovered from archeological digs indicate that toward the end of the Bisque age a new biped appeared on the scene bearing many characteristics similar to those of modern plastickind.

"She was nicknamed Betty B. by the archeologists that uncovered the first evidence of her existence.

"In support of the theory that she is a common ancestor of modern people, in recent years there have been a number of mutations in the plastic gene-pool, probably latent gene lines running back to Betty B."

Mom: "Don't stare, honey. It's very impolite."

"But their heads...."

"Shhh. Pretend you don't notice."

......................................................................................................

Credits

Thanks to my seven-year-old granddaughter Jasmine and her friend Kayley for contributing their talents in wardrobe.

2010-02-01T17:00:00.000-09:00

EPISODE 13: DIFFERENT TYPES

CHAPTER 57: DIFFERENT TASTES

"I'm sorry, Adrian. It just isn't going to work. We just have...different tastes."

"Just because we like different things? Is it that so important to you?"

"Frankly, yes it is. I try to be open minded, but this is too much, even for me."

"Look, if it means that much to you, I can change."

"You would do that for me?"

"Sure. If you don't like preppy, I've got some stretched out t-shirts and holey jeans at home. I can do grunge."

"I didn't mean..."

"What then? You want punk? I've got black vinyl pants and a studded belt."

"Actually, Adrian, it's not how you dress. It's...well, it's the vampire in you."

"Bummer. I was afraid of that."

"Are you sure it's not the mock turtleneck?"

2010-02-01T11:19:00.000-09:00

Chapter 58: THE WRONG TYPE

(Episode 13)

"It's like this. We come from different worlds. I like tofu donuts. You like mustard on crackers. I like milk with my meal. You like blood. I'm a fairly well-adjusted Merican teen-ager with a fairly normal background, if you overlook the fact that my mother died mysteriously when I was thirteen and my father took off for the Bahamas to heal his broken heart and we haven't heard from him in over a year."

"You, on the other hand, have a long dark history: a grandfather whose neighbors drove a stake through his heart, a father who spent 10 years in prison for robbing a blood bank, and -- what's most difficult to overlook -- a mother who thinks preservatives are put in your food to keep you from rotting. I like you and all, really I do, but I just don't think I can feel comfortable in a relationship with an immortal non-human blood-glugging dark nocturnal..."

"Hey, Maggie! Fancy running into you here!"

"...demon."

"Oops. Am I interrupting something?"

"No, I was just leaving."

"You can have my chair."

"And oh, by the way. You are so wrong about me."

"I am not immortal."

"Even with the preservatives."

2010-02-01T08:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 59: GIRL TALK

(Episode 13)

"Whoa, your standards have really risen. But I have to tell you, the immortal ones are very hard to find."

"And then they're mostly super-heroes running around in these dorky outfits. I mean, hello? Who chooses their clothes? Do they really think some girl is gonna want to go out to the movies with somebody in tights and a Speedo?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being insensitive, aren't I? Are you okay? Good."

"Now take me, all I ask is that they have two eyes, a nose, two legs...I don't even care what planet they're from, as long as they have all the usual equipment.

"Speaking of which, his seem to be intact. Can I have him if you're done?"

"You don't know what you're asking."

"Oh. He's got baggage, huh? Double darn."

2010-02-01T05:39:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 60: SATISFACTION

(Chapter 13)

"My, my that was satisfying. That'll teach Adrian to go slumming."

"I'll say. More fun even than turning that meterman into a toad."

"Yeah. How do you get away with that, anyway? Turning people into toads?"

"Whenever I try it, I end up with warts."

"That's because you play with your transmogrifications."

"I can't help it, they're so cute, hopping around inside their meterman and postman hats. Trying to jump into the bathtub with me."

"Hey, I've got a brainstorm. Let's plug up our drains again and get Adrian to come up to the house. We can feed him some of those laced brownies and turn him into a Zombie. Then we'll lure Barbie over to our house by telling her we've discovered an entirely new shade of pink. We'll get her to tell us her secret power spell in exchange for our information, after which we'll have Adrian suck her blood and eat out her brains. Turn her into a brainless bloodless plastic doll, so she'll be good for nothing but a store mannequin. Then she won't pose any threat to our bid for world domination."

"Wow, that's good. Why didn't I think of that?"

2010-01-22T09:30:00.000-09:00

EPISODE 12: AT THE DAILY GRIND COFFEE SHOP

CHAPTER 53: WITCH BARBIE

"This is amazing! Did you know that over the years millions have fallen under Barbie's spell."

"Awesome! That's one powerful witch."

Red: "I didn't even know she was part of the Sisterhood."

"Maybe she's an independent. Like a free-lancer."

"We could like totally take over the world if we had that kind of power."

Makeda: "Let's go look her up. Have her tell us her formula."

Red: "But what if she doesn't want to share?"

"We'll have to encourage her."

"A powerful witch like that?"

"Hey, there's three of us. One of her. Do the math."

"I don't get it. I don't do math."

"Just stick to doing your nails then, Red. Leave the nefarious plotting to the brains of this outfit."

2010-01-22T08:55:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 54: A WOULD-BE PROM QUEEN
(EPISODE 12)
"Whatcha writing, Gramma?"

"I'm working on my memoir, Honey."

"Am I in it?"

"Do you want to be?"

"Sure. But could you make me like the most popular prettiest girl in high school, and the only reason I wasn't elected prom queen was because of all the mean things that were said about me by vicious small-minded sluts and guys that aren't fit to carry my books."

"Actually, Sweetheart, memoirs are supposed to be factual."

"Oh."

"I thought they were for political pay backs."

2010-01-22T07:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 55: HIGH DEFINITION

(Episode 12)

"Gramma, what's 'rogue'?"

"Here, let me look it up on the internet. Let's see..."

Gramma: "H'mm, that explains a lot. Here, there's more."

"So is that why Cindersara quit her job as governor, Gramma? Because she had gone rogue."

"Something like that. But politics is full of rogues, honey."

"But Gramma, what happens if you start going rogue and you don't want to go into politics? Is there medication or something?"

"Oh, that would be too boring. Why are you reading that book, anyway? It will stunt your growth."

"Hi, Kelly!"

"Oh, hi, David."

"Wow, good taste in books."

"You think so?"

"Sure, it's a riveting read. A rare anthropological study of the Cinderella complex in a fragmenting oil-based society."

"Well, there is that."

**********************

Credits: Thanks to http://www.merriam-webster.com/, your resource for all things made up entirely of letters, for the definitions of "rogue".

2010-01-22T06:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 56: MORE OF THE FAMILY HISTORY

(Episode 12)

"Hello Officer Mike. What can I get for you?" Mitzi is still uncomfortable around the policeman, who has been on the scene of too many of her more humiliating moments.

"Hello, Ma'am. Haven't seen any more urchins or Barbie assassins, have you?"

Mitzi laughs. "Here? Look around you. Do you see the least sign of anything or anyone abnormal?"

"No, Ma'am. Looks like a group of peaceful law-abiding citizens. Of course, anyone who likes donuts can't be bad."

Adrian: "...so anyway, my mother mostly raised us by herself."

"Where was your father?"

"He was in the penitentiary for ten years."

"Let me guess. He robbed a blood bank?"

"What?! No!"

"Phew. Just let it be some ordinary run of the mill crime, Lord."

"It was a total frame job. My father would never have done something that stupid. Somebody put those bags of blood in his car!"

"Why would anyone do that?"

"Are you kidding? To throw them off the scent. Have someone else take the rap to conceal the fact that they'd been stealing the stuff for years. Probably an inside job."

"But why does anyone steal blood unless...you know...they have abherrant tastes?"

"You're being sarcastical, right? Oh, crap...you're not. No, no I don't think you're stupid. You probably never had to get your blood in some dark alley. But do you have any idea what the street value on that stuff is?"

"Yeah, I hear you. Me neither."

2010-01-21T13:21:00.001-09:00

EPISODE 11: MARGARET AND ADRIAN

CHAPTER 49: A DARK SIDE

"Hi."

"Hi, Sweetheart. You going out?"

"Just to meet Adrian for coffee. Bye."

"Who's Adrian?"

"Remember the plumber who was here the other day?"

"Yeah? He doesn't seem like her type."

"You mean because he doesn't have a ring through his nose or crop circles shaved into his hair?"

"What happened to the guy who only ate wild rice and dandelion greens?"

"Oh, he had to move when winter came. Frankly, I'm just happy Margaret has finally found someone normal."

"He seems nice enough."

"Not to mention cute."

"Cute? I never knew you noticed cute."

"You'd be surprised, dear. I'm not just the bland silly housewife everyone thinks I am. I have my deep dark secrets."

"The next thing I know you're going to tell me you don't really bake your pie crusts from scratch. No! So that's how it is! All this time you've been letting me believe....? Well, you are a naughty one."

"Having a dark side makes me more interesting, don't you think?"

"Relatively speaking. Relatively speaking."

2010-01-21T10:39:00.000-09:00

Chapter 50: Meet the Girls

(Episode 11)

"Hi, Adrian. " "Oh, hey, girls.""Wow! She's so totally not his type."

"And how was it again that you happen to know what his type is?"

"Trust me, I know."

"OMG, you are so wicked!"

"Aww, that's so nice of you to say."

"I don't get it. Even if you know what type he likes, how do you all know she's not that type?""Just look at her. I'd say O-positive if anything."

"No way! With that skin? I'm going 100% with AB."

"You are totally on, Red. Put your money where your mouth is."

"Isn't money like full of those swarmy little germ things?"

"Whoa, girl. That was actually what is known as a figure of speech. Don't eat good cash."

"Oops. Am I bad."

"Like, totally! Hee hee."

2010-01-21T10:30:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 51 : MITZI MEETS ADRIAN (Episode 11)

Margaret can't help but be curious about the three young women at the next table. "Who are those girls, anyway?"

"Oh, them? They all live together in a big old house up on a hill. With their pet, this big old black cat with two different colored eyes. They like to make these weird concoctions that plug up the drains, so I get called out on a job pretty regular like. They're terrible cooks. If you ever get invited up there, I wouldn't eat anything they prepare. Make sure you order out."

"No kidding."

They are interrupted just then. "Maggie!"

"Oh, hey, Mitzi."

"This is my sister, Mitzi. She's the one who works here. Mitzi, this is Adrian."

"Hello Adrian."

"This is your sister? Nice."

"It's so beyond awesome to meet the people who get to be around you all the time. It must be like living in heaven."

Mitzi: "Um..."

"Would you excuse us for a moment?"

"Is he for real?"

"Define real."

2010-01-21T10:00:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 52 : A NICE FLAVOR

(Episode 11)

At the Daily Grind Coffee Shop:

"I'll take a latte with double whipped cream. And add some chocolate shavings."

"And those pretty little candy sprinkles. And could you put a wafer roll in it?"

"Sure. Would you like something to drink with that?"

"I know I've got that gift card in here somewhere."

"Hey, don't worry about it. I'm buying. I'll go get the drinks."

"Thanks, but I hate to waste that card. It's going to expire at the end of this month."

"What's this one?"

"Oh, that's my organ donor card. "

"You are so selfless, like a drop of chlorine in the cesspool of plasticanity."

"Oh, wow, blood type AB. That's a really nice flavor."

"Or so I've heard."

"Cool. I won? Oh, I won, I won!"

"Scrub the gloating, Red, or I'll so put a hex on you."

2010-01-19T23:29:00.000-09:00

EPISODE 10: MARGARET MAKES A NEW FRIEND

CHAPTER 43: A NEW ACQUAINTANCE

Margaret returns from class one day and finds the kitchen occupied.

"Hello, what's going on?"

"Oh, sweet. Look what came through the door. Job perks."

"You think so?"

"Most definitely."

"Could I have one of 'em?"

2010-01-10T12:33:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 44: GETTING TO KNOW YOU

(Episode 10)

"Oh. Wow. Unexpectedly unique taste. What's in these things, anyway?"

"Rough-milled organic flax seed, tofu, free range sea gull eggs, tender spinach leaves grown in worm-friendly manure-treated fields, chopped raw pumpkin seeds and eye of newt. No corn syrup or refined sugars."

"What? So I like to eat healthy."

Adrian rebounds gracefully. "Oh, totally right. You're so beyond the mindset of most people, I bet most of them can't even see you."

He sets aside the tofu donut. "So, hey...I think I'll leave the rest of this for you. Your health is so much more important than mine. You need to be around to lead the new wave, like, after the collapse of the world markets due to global pollution. "

"Can I have some of these?"

"You're going to eat mustard on crackers?"

"My favorite meal as a kid. My mother wasn't much of a cook, but she always kept plenty of mustard and crackers around. She made sure we got lots of preservatives in our diet so we'd live a long life. How about your mom. How was she?"

"I'm remembering her more fondly by the moment."

2010-01-10T12:30:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 45: REALLY GETTING TO KNOW YOU

(Episode 10)

"..... so anyway, I'm still exploring who I am. You know, I'm not feelin' it in the mainstream like other guys my age; sometimes I think I have these deviant tendencies."

"Oh, oh, I just kicked it into awkward, huh? Now I suppose you're not gonna want to talk to me anymore. Am I right?"

"Au contraire. I was just thinking how much alike we are. I have the same thoughts sometimes. There's days I feel like nobody understands me. But then I don't really understand myself, either."

"Wow, I feel totally at ease talking to you. You're so open. So, hey, here's another factual about me. I wasn't always going to be a plumber. For awhile I went to med school. Mostly to please my mother. But it didn't work out for me."

"Let me guess. The sight of blood made you sick, right?"

"No. Thirsty."

"Okay. Now it's awkward."

2010-01-09T13:14:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 46: THINGS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
(Episode 10)

Adrian, the plumber, has gone back to work. It is Margaret's night to prepare supper.

"Okay, now you're not going to talk to me anymore, right?"

"I'm still thinking about it."

"Jut because I'm different. Hey, I'm used to prejudice. Things haven't changed much since they stuck a stake through my great-grandfather's heart."

"Am I talking too much?"

"Maybe."

2010-01-08T13:15:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 47 : A SLICE OF LIFE

(Episode 10)

Margaret: "I think it would be appropriate to change the subject now."

"Sure, change the subject anytime it gets uncomfortable. No one likes to face their own prejudices."

"Ouch!"

"What happened?!"

"Nothing. I just sliced my finger a bit...not serious."

"You want me to lick off the blood for you?"

"No!"

"Yeah, I guess it's way too early in our relationship for that, huh? Sorry...my blunder."

2010-01-06T23:36:00.000-09:00

CHAPTER 48. OVERCOMING PREJUDICES
(Episode 10)

"Oh, Jeeze, I hurt your feelings."

"No, no, I'm good. I don't hurt easy."

"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't judge you based on simplistic stereotypes derived from intellectually shallow but commercially popular novels and movies. Just because you have different tastes than mine, which I happen to find repulsive and totally terrifying, doesn't mean you're not entitled to be treated with respect."

"Apology accepted."

"You can have this blood-stained tissue if you want."

"Cool. No girl has ever given me such a generous gift. I will wear it next to my heart, raising it to my lips every time I think of you."

"Okay, that's confusing. Now I don't know whether I should be flattered or scared out of my gourd."

2009-05-05T22:58:00.000-08:00

EPISODE 9: "BARBIE'S BIRTHDAY ESCAPADE"

Chapters 30-38

CHAPTER 30: BARBIE'S 50TH BIRTHDAY BASH
Barbie's birthday is a national holiday in Plasticopia.

That afternoon at the Small house...

"Yum. What's the occasion?"

"Oh, hi, sweetie. Back from class already? I thought I'd make a cake to celebrate Barbie's birthday. It's her fiftieth, you know. A big one."

"Actually, I had forgotten. As they say, ignorance is bliss."

"Oh, come on. She's a national celebrity. Millions of girls have grown up with her as a role model."

"Exactly. That's why they have such distorted body images and spend six times more on makeup in their lifetime than they do on books."

"Say, what's this? You've been shopping?"

"Just something I picked up for Mikey for Barbie's Day. Wanted to surprise her."

"You bought her a Barbie doll?"

"Every little girl needs a Barbie."

"For what? Target practice?"

"I really don't know what you have against her. "

"She's a horrible role model for young girls, that's what. What does she teach them? That they should be anorexic bimbos whose only thought is what skimpy clothing they should change into next?"

"Barbie is not a bimbo! Why, she's done more in her lifetime than most women."

"Like what?"

"Well, she's been an astronaut and a baby doctor and a teacher and a secretary and she's even run for president. How many women can say that?"

"All a publicity stunt. The woman has nothing between her ears."

"Here's Mitzi. Let's see what she thinks."

"We're talking about Barbie. I say she's a waste of space which could be better used for other things. Like a recycle bin. What do you say?"

"Oh, speaking of Barbie, guess what! They're throwing a surprise birthday party for her at the coffee shop."

"No! How exciting!"

"Yes. It seems it was an old hang-out, a real coffee house, back in the 'beat' days -- you know, with poetry readings and skinny guys with goatees in black turtlenecks and berets. So every year her friends throw her a surprise party at the coffee shop."

"Does she ever catch on?"

"Oh, no, like I told you. Every year it's a surprise. They always come up with some excuse to get her there and she never suspects."

"I rest my case."

"Well, I gotta run."

"Bye, Maggie."

"Randi is in the living room playing with Doolittle, okay? I probably won't be back until late. Can she sleep over?"

"Of course. We'll have our own little party. So have fun! You are so lucky to be the in the same room with the Fashion Icon herself. Do you think you could get her autograph? Remember all the details so you can tell us tomorrow."

"I'll try. Ta-ta."

And a little later....

Barbara's friends have all gathered at the coffee shop for her surprise party.

There's plenty of snacks to fuel the gay spirits while they wait for Barb to arrive.

Mitzi and Sharon are manning the business end of the party, pouring drinks and refilling food trays.

Mitzi is fascinated by the glamorous and sophisticated guests, so well-preserved, even though they are all at least middle-aged, if not dead. When no one else is in earshot, she plies Sharon with questions.

"Who's the handsome older gent in the straw bowler?"

Sharon is familiar with them all, after many years of surprise birthday parties for Barbie. "Oh, that's Ken. He was Barbie's first boyfriend. For a long time he was her steady. They've dated on and off through the years, but now I hear they're just friends, although--to tell the truth--I think he's still got the hots for her. Doesn't he seem a little forlorn to you?"

"Why didn't they marry?"

"Who knows? Maybe because Barbie wasn't always faithful. See that fellow next to Ken?"

"Yeah."

"That's Joe. Barbie dated him occasionally, when Ken wasn't available. Quite frankly, I would have gone with Joe straight-away. He's a lot more buff. "

"She likes her men blond, I guess."

"Usually, but she also had a soft spot for dark and handsome. Take the guy in hot pink, the one talking to Dorothy..."

"Barbie had a lttle thing going with him back in the 70s. I see he still likes those psychedelic colors. I guess if something works for you, you stick with it."

"What is Dorothy doing here? She must be at least ninety."

"More like a hundred. But Dorothy was quite popular when Barbie was young. All through the sixties and seventies she starred in an annual production about her trip to Oz. It was quite the adventure; there are some who think she never actually went to Oz...except in her own head. Who knows what she was smoking."

"How about the guy in black? What's his story? His makeup is almost as heavy as the lady next to him."

"Sometimes I forget what a baby you are. That's Elvis. He was a contemporary of Barbie. He died a number of years back--or so the rumor goes--but they bring him back every year for the celebration. So of course every year the makeup gets heavier."

"No wonder he seems so stiff."

"And the redhead?"

"That's Lucy. Also a contemporary."

"I like the outfit."

"For sure. They knew how to dress back then."

to be continued....

2009-05-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 31: THE WAY WE WERE.

(Episode 9)

When last we left our dear readers, it was Barbie's 50th birthday, and all her friends and well-wishers were waiting for her to grace the festivities at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop, where they had been throwing surprise birthday parties for their beloved Barbie for the past fifteen years.

Of course, that was back before Swine Flu reared its piggy head to frighten the world. Back before torture was officially called torture.

Back when Plasticopians were still innocent, and the world was a kinder, softer place.

Barbie's birthday is history, now. Just another story in the Book of Barbie.

Whoosh!

It's a dark and stormy night.

The wind is raging and wailing at the Ratchet home, deep in the Northern Hemisphere.

But inside, all is calm. Supper is over, the dishes neatly tucked away.

Betty is planning the next week's meals while America plays nearby.

Baby Adam is snuggled in his bed.

The older children are doing homework -- good obedient Anna in the livingroom.

The other two in the quiet of their rooms...

Oh, my. That doesn't look like homework. Poor dear sweet little Alice, so easily distracted from the straight and narrow path that her sister trods with such a sure tread. What is to become of her?

And Henry? I'm afraid he finds school entirely irrelevant; that term paper seems very dull indeed when his latest love interest is only a phone call away.

Yes, it is life as usual in the Ratchet household as the clock strikes eight.

None suspecting that their very ordinary lives are about to change, for at that very moment a stranger stands upon their doorstep, seeking shelter from the storm.

To be continued....

2009-05-02T23:17:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 32: A STRANGER IN THE HOUSE

(Episode 9)

It is a quiet evening at the Ratchet home, in spite of the storm raging outside. It is also Barbie's 50th birthday. Not that the Ratchets would notice. They are non-believers and so don't celebrate the occasion.

At precisely eight p.m., Laskan time, there is a rap at the front door. The sound is nearly lost in the chiming of the cuckoo clock and the wail of the wind heard through the walls.

Certainly Henry hears nothing. He is oblivious to everything but the video playing on his laptop and the strange ache in the pit of his stomach that he thinks is love.

Alice is listening for only one sound -- the sound of her sister's approaching footsteps -- as she explores Anna's toiletries.

But Betty Ratchet, who can pick out the whimper of a baby at a rock concert, hears the knock.

Just then she is distracted, so she calls, as mothers everywhere are wont to do: "Will someone please answer that door?!"

Anna, who is nearest, looks up from her homework. "I'll get it!"

She opens the door. A cloaked figure greets her, the face lost in the shadows of the hood.

"Hello," says the stranger through teeth that chatter from the cold. "I'm lost...and chilled through and through...and very hungry. I wonder if I could come in and warm myself for just a moment."

After her initial surprise, Anna remembers her manners. "Of course. Come in."

"Thank you."

As the stranger steps into the entry, the cloak falls open, revealing what is beneath...or rather, what isn't.

Anna's eyes are as big as saucers and her mouth hangs open.

The stranger jerks the cloak back into place. "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen anyone in their birthday suit before?"

"Not in this weather. No wonder you're so cold."

"Well I was on my way to a bathing party..." Having thus explained, the stranger glances around. "Nice maison. Are you the only one home?"

Just at that moment, Betty calls. "Who is it, dear?"

"It's a stranger in their birthday suit!"

"Oh?"

Betty comes around the corner. "Excuse me. Can we help you?"

"Just with a moment's shelter from the storm. And perhaps I could use your phone? I believe that my life may be in grave danger."

"Your life will be in grave danger if you are flashing my children."

"Flashing?"

Betty hands over America before turning to confront the stranger.

"My daughter says you're wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Isn't that what you said, Anna?"

"Under the cloak, Mom."

"Oh! You mean this??"

"A bathing suit?!"

"My birthday suit. I was born wearing it. I'm not ashamed to be seen this way. It's how the Great Manufacturer made me."

"But why are you wearing it on a day like this...oh, I get it! You're one of those Barbie groupies. You're going to a Barbie-look-alike contest."

"Me? No, I am Barbie. Barbara, really, but no one calls me that."

"Ha! Then what are you doing here?"

"Seeking help! I think someone is trying to do me harm. Oh, please, can you help me?"

To be continued...

2009-05-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 33 : STRANGER THAN FICTION

(Episode 9)

Betty Ratchet's heart is touched by the terror-stricken eyes of her unexpected guest. Or is that smeared mascara? In any case, she extends a helping hand.

"Let's go in the kitchen and talk. You can tell me all about it."

She reaches to take the cloak from her guest, only to find it totally soaked. "Anna, will you run upstairs and get the robe hanging in my closet? We can't have Barbara here catching her death of cold."

Anna is only too happy to oblige. "I can hardly wait to tell all my friends that Barbie's at our house. In her birthday suit, even."

"Henry! Alice! Guess what?"

"You'll be safe in this house. No one will even know you're here."

"...yeah, just like all the pictures. Really big ones. Huh? They look all natural to me. Pure plastic. Tell everybody to come...the team, the whole gang. Yep. Over at my house. Right away."

plink..plink ...plink...

"I want the phone after you're done. I have to call Lindsey, Teresa, Alissa, Marissa, and Kerilynn."

Betty guides her guest into the dining alcove where she closes the curtains against the storm. "There. No prying eyes can see you in here."

She puts the teapot on the stove.

"I have to say this, Barbara. You hardly look your age. A little stiff in the joints and that cupid's bow mouth went out of style in the 1930s. But other than that, you look like you were born yesterday."

"Thank you, Betty. I have good genes. Well, I don't know if I have any genes, actually. But I do have a chemical make-up that is anti-aging. You know we Plastic People will be around long after all other forms of life have faded from the earth."

"I've heard that said before. Some say Plastic People are the new link in the evolutionary chain, particularly resistant to the effects of global warming and environmental pollution."

"Nature always comes up with a solution to any problem."

"You're very wise."

"Well, I am 50. And I was born fully grown, so you can add on another seventeen or eighteen years. Let's see...that would make me...67 or 68. Old enough to have seen many fashions come and go. "

"You've come a long way, Barbara."

"Yes, I have. Especially considering I was born with nothing upstairs. Brains were considered a total waste in a girl, you know, back in 1959. So my head was left totally empty. Then along came the 1970s, and women were expected to have careers. As you may be aware, there are few career choices for those without brains: store window mannequin, Miss Calliefornya, politician. That kind of thing. I wanted to be a doctor, or an astronaut, or a teacher, all of which require at least some grey matter. So I had a brain implant. In fact, I've had several brain augmentations over the years."

"So tell me, Barbara, why do you think you're in danger?"

"I have many enemies, you know. It seems like anytime somebody's unhappy with something in life, they blame it on me. Supposedly I've ruined three generations of young girls, all of whom wanted nothing more than to grow up to look like me, thus setting them up for a lifetime of frustration and depression. "

"That's so unfair. Maybe those people should spend less time blaming you and more time being positive role models themselves."

"Exactly my thinking. But people love to have someone to hate. I've been beheaded, burned at the stake, dismembered, and had my hair pulled out by the roots. All in effigy of course. But I often feel that I'm living on borrowed time."

"I think I read something about that. It's all so sad. So what happened tonight?"

"Well, I was invited to join some friends for a swimming party. That's why I'm wearing my birthday suit. I was riding in a cab to the location I was given when I started thinking. You see, I recognized that address ... it's not a swimming pool, it's a coffee shop! I know it well, for I've had several birthday parties there. But why would anyone in their right mind have a swimming party in a coffee shop?"

"That is a puzzler."

"So I put 2 and 2 together and realized that I was being lured to the coffee shop--not for a swimming party--but for some other nefarious purpose. I had the cabbie stop and jumped out and ran off through the neighborhood. I was terribly afraid that he was in on the plot and would follow me, or tell my assasins what happened and they would come after me. I saw the light in your window and thought you might provide me some sanctuary. And the rest of the story you know."

"Have a cookie. It will make you feel better."

"Thank you, you're so kind. I think I'm going to cry."

To be continued....

2009-05-01T04:00:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 34: THE PLOT THICKENS.

(Episode 9)

While Barbie is being comforted at the Ratchet home, supper has just concluded in the Small household. Margaret has dishes detail while Mabel is getting little Randi into her pajamas.

"Daddy?"

"What is it, Pumpkin?"

"Can I go over to Alice's house?"

"At this time of night? Besides, it's storming out."

"She called me and she wants me to come over really bad."

"But Sweetheart, we were going to have some cake. Here's your mother now. What occasion did you say it was, dear?"

"Barbie's 50th birthday."

"Oh, right. How could I forget? You don't want to miss that, Mikey."

"But...but Barbie is over at Alice's house."

"Barbie is where?"

"Alice says Barbie is at her house. She got lost or something and came to their house dressed only in a cape and her birthday suit."

"Really?"

"Her birthday suit? Is this show x-rated?"

"It's a cultural thing, dear. Those famous models have their own peculiar ways. We mustn't judge."

"So can I go? I never met Barbie before. She's like a top super model, Mom. She's been on all the magazine covers."

"That's true, Mabel. Even the swimsuit issue of Ports Illustrated."

"Well! If she's really at the Ratchet house, maybe we should all go. I've never met Barbie in person either, but I've admired her all my life. I'll call Betty to see if it's all right."

Margaret gets Mikey to help her carry the dishes to the sink. "Are you girls pulling her leg?"

"Honest. That's what Alice said, and she doesn't lie."

"I sure hope you're telling the truth, for your sake. It all sounds fishy to me. Anyway, Barbie is supposed to be at her surprise birthday party at the coffee shop. With Mitzi."

"Well, she got lost."

"That doesn't surprise me. The only thing between her ears is hairspray. I'm sure she couldn't find her way out of a Blomingdale's bag."

Mabel, meanwhile, has been trying to call Betty. "I can't get through. The phone is busy...or maybe off the hook. "

"Oh, probably they just cut the phone lines."

"Who cut the phone lines?"

"The bad guys. The ones who are after Barbie."

"Bad guys are after Barbie? You didn't tell us that."

"Whoops. I guess I forgot to mention it. Alice says Barbie's in mortal danger."

"Is her dad there?"

"Nope. Alice said he went off to the pub with his buddies to look for work again."

"I'm going over there right away. Jeff, you'll have to come. We'll call the police on the way."

"I'm coming. Alice invited me. I want to see Barbie."

"I'm coming. No way I'm missing this."

"We can't take the kids into harm's way."

"But, Da-a-ad. They probably bugged our phones and they'll come here looking for us, too. Dead men tell no tales."

"Who would bug our phones?"

"Homeland Security, Uncle Jeff. I'm sure Barbie is high on their list of undesireable people. She's got all kinds of international connections, relatives in just about every country, and its well known that she made charitable contributions to Middle East terrier organizations. Now that we're mixed up in it (thanks to Alice and Co. ), we could all suffer mysterious accidents. Or be locked up incommunicado for years."

"Yes, Dear. It's safer if we stick together. We'll all go."

"All right, but let's not do anything silly."

"Silly? Us? Ha ha."

Continued in Chapter 35.

2009-05-01T03:23:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 35 :Where's Barbie? (Episode 9)

At the Daily Grind Coffee Shop, where Barbie's surprise birthday party is underway, the guests have eaten and drunk and loosened up a bit.

It is getting late, and still Barbie has failed to show.

While waiting for the guest of honor to arrive, they have managed to pass the time, each in his or her own way. Whoops. It looks like that Mexican hat dance was a little too complicated for Marilyn's tipsy feet.

"That's a lovely dress. Although I'm sure someone has already told you that it makes you look fat."

"You know, I was thinking much the same thing. Too bad red is not your color."

"So what's with the Santa hat...?"

"I used to have some really good parties. There was this one we had Prince Charley and what's her name-- the frumpy one? And the governors of four states, and also Brad Pott and Angelina Belle... am I boring you?"

Duh. Name dropper.

Mitzi is exhausted.

Ken is pensive.

He finds himself confiding in the staff.

"She's three hours late. I'm worried about her."

"Maybe she didn't get the message."

"Oh, yes, I'm sure she did. Of course we told her it was a swimming party, so she wouldn't get suspicious."

"Hmmm. Where did you tell her this swimming party was at?"

"Here, of course."

"Me thinks therein lies the problem. Maybe she thought somebody was pulling her leg and decided not to give them the satisfaction of seeing her fall for it."

"Who? Barbie? Impossible. She was made without a brain."

How sweet, he really does still care about her.

Continued in Chapter 36, most recent post at top of page.

2009-05-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 36: HELP IS ON THE WAY

(Episode 9)

"Oh, I hope we're not too late."

"Don't worry, Mabel. Everything is going to be all right. The police will probably be there before we are. "

"At least the storm has died down."

"Is that car following us?"

"If not, it seems to be going the exact same route."

"Geez. There must be six cars tagging along behind us. At this time of night! On a quiet residential street. What's going on?"

"Let's head that way and see if they follow us. We'll circle back."

"Whew. They've all kept going. I guess we were getting paranoid. But there sure are a lot of cars going that same way."

"Strange. Must be some big event."

They drive on.

"There's the house...who are all these people?"

"My goodness, maybe we're crashing a party."

to be continued....

2009-05-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 37:

WHAT'S THAT RACKET AT THE RATCHETS?

(Episode 9)

The Smalls pull up to the Ratchet house only to find that a crowd has gathered.

Perplexed, they stare at the shadowy figures congregating on the front porch.

Suddenly Mikey pipes up. "Dad!" She points at someone in the crowd.

"I know that girl. It's Courtney! She's in my class. Maybe Alice called her, too. "

"I'm going to call Mitzi. I don't know what's going on here, but Barbie is supposed to be at the Coffee Shop. Perhaps Mitzi knows something."

Meanwhile, inside the Ratchet house, Betty and Barbara are having a little girl talk in the kitchen.

"Are those lashes real?"

"As real as I am."

Barbie reaches for another cookie, then suddenly freezes. "Your doorbell. Someone has followed me!"

"Oh, it's probably just one of Henry's friends, come to copy some homework. Henry!!"

"I'll get it!!"

"Hey! Hi guys. You made it."

"Is she here?"

"In the kitchen. Everybody come in, but be real quiet. The baby's sleeping."

"Where is she? Is she as beautiful as they say?"

"Everyone. Shhhh. You can go on into the living room."

And they keep coming.

"Welcome. Come in. Come in."

"Do I hear people talking and laughing?"

"Goodness, you certainly are edgy. Someone must have turned on the television."

And not so very far away. "Hard to believe that we're all going to meet Barbie very soon.

"When I was in high school, I used to keep pictures of her in that hot zebra-striped bathing suit inside the covers of my notebook."

"Hey. You too?"

to be continued....

2009-05-01T00:30:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 38: What a party! (Episode 9)

Back at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop, the party has continued. Everyone seems to be getting into the spirit, whether on the table...

or under it.

"Burp. Whudya say this stuff is cawed...burp...called? I's good."

"That's Metameatavegamin, honey. Very addicting, so be careful...

...oops, too late. Oh, well, enjoy the ride. Watch out for those flying monkey thingies, and if everything turns emerald green, it's a sign you're about to puke your insides out."

"Now where were we? Oh, yes, if we add false lashes it will bring out your eyes, and a little blush on the cheeks...ohhh, we're gonna have so much fun. Are you sure you haven't done this before?"

"Whoopsie. The floor keeps moving. Are we still at sea?"

"Thanks for catching me. It's Ken, isn't it? Are you still broken up with the frigid one?"

"Rigid. It's not her fault she has no elbows or knees."

"It must make it hard to feed herself."

"It makes for entertaining, in a kindergarten food fight kind of way."

"Anybody want to see my moon walk?"

Mitzi has given up on the chance to meet Barbie. Clearly, she is not making an appearance. Already some are planning the after-party parties.

You want to come to my place and see my etch-a-sketch?"

"We're gonna have lots of fun together. I've got a hot tub. Now which one of you is Sugar and which one is Spice?"

Sharon is beginning to think wistfully of a warm bath and a pleasant half-hour reading in bed.

Her musings are interrupted by the ring of a phone.

2009-04-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 39: A TIME TO PARTY AND A TIME TO REST

(Chapter 9)

Barbie's 50th Birthday Bash is winding down.

"I'll get her home. Happens every year. At least we get lots of time to rest where we come from."

"Thanks for grabbing my phone. Probably Mabel wondering if I remembered to get Barbie's autograph."

"Hi, Mabel. What's up? Of course it's noisy, it's a party. Barbie? No, never showed. Why? At the Ratchets house? What would she be doing there?"

"Mabel says Barbie is at a friend's home. Something about bad guys chasing her."

"Barbie? My Barb....I mean our Barbie?"

"Bad guys?"

"Is this some kind of practical joke?"

While Mitzi and Sharon and Ken are pondering the news about Barbie, the party is breaking up. Some guests are getting into their wraps.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your friend over there is totally jealous."

"What were you two whispering about?"

"We were just discussing how you ought to be on the Big Screen. As lovely as you are, it's amazing you haven't been discovered."

"Sigh. Alone again. I'd give anything to make the tabloids. Maybe if I didn't wear any underwear."

"What's so fascinating in there?"

"I just can't believe she drank every drop. You may not know it, Pretty Boy, but this stuff is like 450-proof. It's the secret ingredient in rocket fuel. They don't call it tornado-juice for nothing!"

"Wow! Dorothy must have been flying! Betcha that was one heckuva trip. "

"Ladies, I think I should go over there and make sure Barb's okay. Do you have the address?"

"I can take you there. Do you mind if I leave you here alone, Sharon? I could come in early and clean up."

"I do mind. If there are bad guys, both of you are total lightweights, and the last thing I want is to be called out later tonight to identify your bodies. I'm going with you."

"What about her?"

"Turbulence! Hang on!"

"Whoops. Fasten your seat belts."

"Golly! That was a rough landing."

"I didn't want to say it in front of Ken, but Mabel says Barbie showed up at the Ratchet house in her birthday suit. Do you think she's come unhinged?"

"Fame carries a heavy price. The prying media! And the fickle fans! It makes celebrities crazy. Especially the vulnerable ones."

"Poor Barbie! She never really had a childhood."

"Never knew what it was like to walk down the street without people turning to stare."

Only a few guests remain in the Coffee Shop. "Wake up. Wake up. The party's over."

"Huh? You're back? Is this a nightmare?"

"I don't think so, but I'll leave that to history to judge."

"Get away from me, or you'll see the wrong end of this shoe."

"Yeah, right, I've heard that before. Go ahead, throw it. You wanna see how fast I can duck?"

Sharon dims the lights and the last of the guests take their leave.

"I've come back for Marilyn."

"But I don't want to go home yet."

"Come on, Sweetie. You know what happens if we don't get you back to your resting place before the stroke of midnight. When the spell ends, it isn't going to be pretty."

"I'll be back next year. Don't forget me."

Continue to Chapter 40.....

2009-04-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 40: THE NIGHTMARE ON BARBIE'S BIRTHDAY.
(Episode 9)

continued from Chapter 39, Episode Nine. Scroll down to read all of Episode Nine, or click on the "May" link to right.

Where is Barbie? What mysterious things are going on at the Ratchet house? Summoned by little Alice Ratchet via her best friend Mikey, the Smalls come to the door to investigate.

They find quite a crowd in the foyer and living room, male and female, young and old.

Jeff Small extends his hand to Henry. "So, I hear you've got a famous guest."

"Oh, hi, Major Small. It's nice of you to come. Are you a fan of Barbie's?"

"By marriage only. So she is here."

"In the plastic. Right now she's visiting with Aunt Betty in the kitchen. We're going to surprise her. It's her birthday, you know."

"So I heard. I guess she should be ready to collect social security by now."

At that moment there is another knock at the door. Mabel, who is nearest, opens the door.

"We got a call that there's a problem here."

"A problem? Here?"

"Something about bad guys after Barney. Would that be Barney, the purple dinosaur? Or Barney, the guy who lives next door to the Flintstones?"

"Officer, that was us, we called. And it's not Barney they're after, it's Barbie."

"Barbie who?"

"Surely you've heard of Barbie, the famous fashionista...the iconic image of improbable feminity?"

"The symbol of the excesses of the 20th Century? The triumph of capitalism? The original material girl?"

"I know Barbie! She was my idol when I was growing up. She was such an inspiration to me and all my friends! I used to make myself throw up after every meal so I could have a wasp-waist just like her."

"Oh, her! Down at the shop, we call her the Hate Crime Magnet. It used to be just your run of the mill mutilations and careless accidents --you know, arms pulled off and like--the work of immature criminal minds. Pervs-in-training, we called them.

"But lately there's been a rash of sophisticated attacks. Yesterday we found a number of Barbie look-a-likes with their heads ripped off. The diabolical work of some insane monster who apparently likes to switch them to other bodies. Just a hobby, she confessed. Can you believe it?

"And last week? Horrible. Called to the scene where someone had thrown polish remover in a Barbie clone's face to obliterate all her features. You'll never guess the motive! Turns out, the perp didn't like her looks, wanted to give her a re-painting. " [shudder] "The implasticanity of it! Try to imagine the excruciating pain of having your eyebrows burned off hair by hair, your eyes dripping off your head like melting wax, your mouth slowly fading as you soundlessly scream."

"Daddy!"

"It's all right, honey, the nice policeman has been watching too many late movies. (Thanks for the nightmares, Officer)."

"It makes you wonder if there really is Someone Up There watching over us. How could any Higher Being allow these kinds of atrocities to happen?"

Hey! It's all a matter of perspective. One person's atrocity is another's hobby.

to be continued....

2009-04-30T23:24:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 41: SAVING BARBIE (Episode 9)

The guests at the Ratchet house are positively giddy. "I can't believe I'm going to meet Barbie. The Barbie. It's so exciting I can hardly breath. I mean, she's my idol. When it came to picking a career, it was really hard to choose between becoming a low paid police officer, risking my life on a daily basis and having to watch for luggies in my fastfood burgers, or a famous fashion model, living in a penthouse and dating fabulously wealthy men. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice."

Young and old, of both sexes, have gathered for a glimpse of their idol. They have been patient too long. Someone cries, "We want Barbie." And then they are all chanting it: "We want Barbie. We want Barbie."

All, of course, except Margaret, who pensively observes her fellow Plasticopians from her corner. Margaret is one of those hard-bitten cynics that spring up like weeds even among plastic people. She and her kind do not appreciate Barbie. They are totally unable to comprehend the magic of wearing an expensive pair of high heels, the price of which would feed three hundred starving children for a year in the deep dark depths of Aphrica. What is it they do not get?

Meanwhile, the increasing nosie of the crowd has penetrated into the kitchen, where Betty Ratchet and Barbie have been chewing the fat.

Barbie leaps to her feet, her eyes wide in terror. "It's a mob! They've come to lynch me."

"Well, let's not over-react," Betty says. "The last mob in my house only wanted to burn down the place. Of course, once Henry turned down the bass on his stereo, they were much more rational."

"Hey, Mom. There's a few people out here who want to meet Barbie. Do you think she would mind?"

"Honey, why don't you ask her yourself?"

"Um...do you think you could have your people talk to mine?"

Mitzi, Sharon and Ken have arrived at the Ratchets doorstep, in response to Mabel's frantic call. Mitzi peeks inside. "OMG, the place is packed."

"Do you see Barbie?"

"Not at all. Looks like half the town is here, though."

"Any bad guys?"

"I don't see any guns. There's Jeff, though and...and Randi. What is Randi doing here?"

At sight of her little daughter, Mitzi instinctively yanks open the door....

and finds herself pressed against the crush of bodies.

She tries to get the attention of her daughter or brother-in-law. "Randi, Randi! Jeff!"

But she cannot make herself heard over the chatter and chant of the crowd, "We want Barbie, We want Barbie!"

Just at that moment a light snaps on in the little hallway ahead and Betty Ratchet appears in the doorway. "Listen up, everyone. Barbie is here, and you're all going to get a chance to meet her. But you need to calm down. She's a bit para...shy."

"Okay, I'm going to do this, but if anything should happen to me, I want you to give my high heel collection to those shoeless people you see on the news in some Third World Country. I've always felt so sorry for them. You know, the only thing I truly regret is that I never knew my mother..."

Mitzi, attempting to squeeze through the crowd, happens to glance to one side. She gasps. Isn't that a gun holster? OMG, OMG, he's got a gun! There really are bad guys after Barbie!

Mitzi can hardly breath. Her beloved little daughter is between the hit man and Barbie, right in the line of fire. Her thoughts spin in her little brain. 'What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?"

While she ponders, Barbie has mounted a box in the doorway and is introduced by Betty. "And now I present to you the one and only, the original, the best known and most mimicked 11-and -1/2 inch model in the world."

No one would accuse Mitzi of being the common ordinary hero type, but plastic mothers often are inspired to courageous endeavors to protect their young. She pushes aside startled guests. "Out of the way! He's got a gun!"

Without further thought, and no concern for her own safety, she lunges at the gunman. If she can just knock him off balance before he has a chance to draw his pistol!

The assassin attempts to pull away from her, but she holds on tightly to his arm. "Help! Help! Don't let him get to his gun!"

Ken comes to the rescue. "Try to harm my Barbie, will you? Not while there's a breath in my body!"

Ken, as old as he is, would probably be no match for the gunman in ordinary circumstances; but the thought of harm to Barbie has given him an unusual ferocity--that, combined with the unexpectedness of his attack, has given him the advantage as he wrestles his opponent to the ground.

By now, the attention in the room has turned away from Barbie to the scuffle on the floor.

Some have backed away, but some of those nearby have come to Ken's assistance, while Mitzi has collapsed onto the steps.

Gramma McBitty has instinctively shielded her granddaughter with her own body.

Sharon comforts Mitzi, who--after her burst of bravado--is in shock.

Barbie's heart catches in her throat. Is that her Ken, her own shining knight in boring tweed, come to her rescue?

Betty lets out a long breath. 'Wow. I guess just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.'

While one of the fellows holds the gunman's hands behind his back, another strips off his hat. "Turn him over, let's get a look at this dirtbag."

"Now there's a familiar face."

"Lieutenant?"

to be continued.....